


I've Done Made the Devil a Deal

by veleda_k



Category: White Collar
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode Related, F/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-02-24 22:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2598089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veleda_k/pseuds/veleda_k
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel nearly has her hands on the score of a lifetime, if only she can keep control. But nothing's going to go quite the way she planned. (Rachel's POV of episodes 5x03-6x01)</p><p>Expect S5 spoilers even in the early chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He Made Me Pretty, He Made Me Smart (5x03: One Last Stakeout)

**Author's Note:**

> Fic and chapter title both come from "Hell on Heels" by the Pistol Annies.

It's the biggest score of Rachel's life, the culmination of years of fascination, and an irritating percent of it comes down to satiating male egos. Not that Rachel's ever had a problem doing that.

Hagen requires a dance in which he can convince himself that he's the one in charge without ever going against her orders. Hagen needs to think he's vital somehow, when really Rachel could have used any number of Caffrey's enemies for this. Hagen was simply easy to spring and has developed a nice fat grudge to motivate him. His minimal knowledge of Mosconi does not make him special as he thinks it does. He thinks he's hired her, when really she's using him.

Rachel figures there's a better than fifty percent chance that she'll have to kill Hagen before this is all over, but she's willing to give him a chance. He's not as smart as he thinks he is, but he's still smart enough. 

Caffrey's going to be even easier than Hagen because Caffrey's never going to know what hit him. He's the perfect blend of brilliant and controllable. Between Hagen and the FBI, he won't have any way to turn but the direction Rachel wants him to go.

Still, it won't hurt to nudge him along, which is where Rebecca Lowe comes in. Rachel's proud of Rebecca. She's smart enough to give Caffrey what he needs, but naïve enough to not catch on. Confident enough to appreciate and respond to an attractive man showing interest in her, but awkward enough to be distracted by his attention. Rachel has created and discarded countless identities, but Rebecca is one of her finest.

Getting a job at the museum requires some finesse, but a forged CV and fake references make her out to be the ideal candidate, and she can speak with unfeigned knowledge about art and rare books. In the end she doesn't have to do anything as inconvenient as killing another employee, nor does she have to have sex with anyone in HR. 

Rachel genuinely enjoys being near the Codex, and her frustration with not being able to see it is just as real. The secrets within should make her a very rich woman, but she wants to know them for their own sake as well.

As Rachel expected, Caffrey approaches her, and she allows her own fascination with Mosconi to filter through Rebecca's bubbliness. She makes sure to tell him how he can easily differentiate between chapters. If it weren't Rachel's score on the line, she'd be curious to see how Caffrey did without her help, but she has too much vested interest in his success to leave anything to chance. Which is why she lets him steal her ID card later. At first she thinks she may have made it too obvious, drawing such attention to it before tucking it away, but slightly scatterbrained Rebecca protects her. The biggest challenge is keeping still long enough to let Caffrey pick her pocket and not breaking his wrist.

If Rachel had any doubts about the ease with which she could insert herself into Caffrey's life, she doesn't have them anymore. He clearly thinks he's had an effect on her. It won't be hard to further that. Right from the start she pinged Caffrey's ego as his weak point. It's so easy for him to believe a woman would fall head over heels for him that he'll never question her interest in him. 

Sex. It's such an obvious lever, and yet so effective on so many people.

After Caffrey steals her ID card, it's a waiting game. She's not surprised when the FBI calls her in for questioning. She's not worried. There's nothing other than the ID to actually tie her to the crime, and the FBI will need more than that. 

Caffrey surprises her a little. He plays it surprisingly cold with her, protecting himself and not letting her say anything that might lead back to him. He even leads her suspicion away from him, taking control of a surprisingly large portion of the interview. Good. She wasn't quite sure he had it in him. Rachel needs her people to keep it together, even if they don't know they're her people. 

They play off each other so well that Rachel almost wishes Caffrey knew. She briefly wonders what it would be like to have Caffrey as a partner rather than Hagen. Caffrey's ego is no smaller, but he hides it better, and he's much less of a boor. Rachel dismisses the thought before she even leaves the FBI. Caffrey's the type who actually believes in gentlemen thieves, and Rachel needs a partner with no bothersome scruples. 

The FBI grills her as hard as they can, but they can't hold her. Rachel goes home and continues to plan. She checks the phone she's using for this job, and notes with satisfaction there are no new messages. She told Hagen to keep contact minimal. No news is good news. Still, she plans to watch the hand off between Hagen and Caffrey. This early in the game, far too much could still go wrong.

When Rachel hears that the valuable painting that was stolen has been returned and the thief handily captured, with no mention of the Codex, it confirms she chose well with Caffrey. 

The job at the museum has served its purpose, so while Rebecca greets the news of her firing with tears, Rachel shrugs it off. If they hadn't fired her, she would have quit and claimed they had. It can be one more tool to keep Caffrey on the line, knowing he got poor Rebecca fired.

If only all the pieces were so easy to keep in line. She hadn't given much thought to Agent Siegel, but he's better than she expected. She doesn't know how long he's been following her before she notices. Killing an FBI agent draws the kind of attention she'd rather avoid, but it's much better than being caught.

It's a clean kill. Rachel dumps the gun in wet cement, adjusts her glasses, and grabs a cup of coffee. There's plenty of work to do, and she could use the caffeine.


	2. Get Them Falling for a Stranger (5x06: Ice Breaker)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "How to be Heart Breaker" by Marina and The Diamonds.

Rachel lets some time pass before going into stage two of her plan. She doesn't want Caffrey to have any reason to be suspicious about the timing of their meetings.

From the beginning, Rachel has known that Caffrey would investigate the codex on his own. He's too smart and strong willed to do otherwise. He has no way to know that this is exactly what Rachel wants him to do. In addition to letting her keep eyes on him, Rachel needs someone to work side by side with, and Hagen doesn't have the creativity to understand Mosconi. So while Caffrey thinks he's getting ahead, she'll be right beside him. It's a little exciting, the thought of working with someone who can almost keep up with her.

She's on the offensive in the FBI office. Caffrey isn't attracted to pushovers. He likes intelligence and a backbone. Of course, Rachel doesn't want to run him off, so she'll have to be placated easily enough, but Caffrey has to feel like he's being challenged. And she doesn't want him to think he can get Rebecca too easily. People always want something more when they think they can't have it.

Rachel's also curious to see what he'll do. It's a kind of test. She knows she won't reveal anything that would put her plans in jeopardy, but Caffrey doesn't. He's been moderately impressive so far, but Rachel needs to watch him work. So, she comes perilously close to accusing him of stealing her ID and threatens to “unknowingly” reveal his dirty secrets to Agent Burke.

He spins a fantasy about a fictional supervisor who operates out of another office. It's a good plan in that it gets her away from Burke and the FBI building and allows Caffrey to control the narrative, but it strikes Rachel as over elaborate. Caffrey's created a whole new set of problems to solve. But that seems to be his style. He isn't interested in simple, and he thrives on feeling one step away from disaster. Considering everything Rachel intends to put him through, that's a skill that will come in handy.

Rachel actually finds herself intrigued about what he might come up with. She isn't disappointed. He's found an office and enlisted his landlady and friend as actors in his drama. Caffrey commands that kind of loyalty. Rachel still doesn't trust a plan that has so many moving pieces that have to be set up so quickly, but she admits that Caffrey has made it work.

She's about to continue on the offensive when the friend (Mozzie or Teddy or whatever he wants to call himself; Rachel found dozens of identities in her surveillance) takes the lead in a plan that he and Neal have obviously come up with together. Dangling Mosconi in front of Rebecca is a solid plan. It's also just the opening Rachel has been looking for. She's known all along that Caffrey would have to believe he was convincing her. This is the ideal opportunity.

Rachel is surprised when Caffrey and Mozzie admit to her that a dangerous criminal is interested in the Codex. (Oh, if they only knew.) It's more honesty than she expected, but it makes sense. It's Caffrey's chivalrous streak coming out.

It amuses Rachel to tell Caffrey that she can take care of herself. Little bits of truth that he can't understand. She doesn't agree immediately though. She wants to keep Caffrey on the hook a little longer.

She keeps busy. There's more to running this operation that even Hagen knows. Years of study and planning that have been leading to this. If the Mosconi treasure is everything it's indicated to be, she'll never have to work again. No more jobs for seedy half-wits. No more depending on the whims of others to earn her living. Rachel will kill as many people as she has to before she lets this opportunity pass her by. 

Her call to Mozzie is perfunctory. Not enough to break her cover, obviously. But he's not the one she has to keep engaged. Every bit of data on him indicates he'll go where Caffrey leads. It's enough that she gets her message across: Rebecca Lowe is in.

The meeting with Caffrey that follows has to be handled just right. He needs to be fully engaged with Rebecca. 

Rachel's taking a bit of a risk on Rebecca. She's meant to remind Neal of past lovers, but in many ways she's very different from anyone in his past. None of Rachel's research suggested an interest in sweet, slightly awkward bookworms. But that's the point. Rebecca has to be at once comfortably familiar and fascinatingly new.

Rachel's proud of the Moroccan prison story. It balances just the right amount of daring and whimsy. Rebecca is innocent, but she has a thirst for something more, even if she can't quite articulate it. Rebecca wants more, and Caffrey will want to give it to her, even as he's charmed by her innocence. Rebecca Lowe pocketed a roof tile years ago, and has held on to the secret, because as traumatized as she was, part of her thinks she might do it again. A part of her is just waiting for the right opportunity.

Caffrey responds exactly as Rachel hoped. He gets to be the worldly one, reaching out his hand. He teases her, and Rebecca laughs. 

It's a balance. Caffrey's not chasing her help any longer, but she still needs to keep him hooked. He still needs to believe that she can walk away. The light flirtation is the easy part. When Caffrey mentions that he only has chapter thirteen of the Codex, Rachel uses that as an excuse to pull away, while also passing Caffrey information he'll need. Given the way the con is set up, it's inevitable that Caffrey thinks he's the one with the power. Rachel can't afford to completely puncture that illusion, but she can't let him ever take her for granted.

She lets Caffrey make the assurances, and she allows Rebecca to relent a little. She acts half convinced and leaves with Caffrey still reassuring her.

Now she knows she'll be invited over again.


	3. The Danger Is I'm Dangerous (5x07: Quantico Closure)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Kill of The Night" by Gin Wigmore.

It amuses Rachel, that Caffrey is so determined to keep playing an FBI agent. She hasn't quite worked out the whys yet, though she will. As it is, she puts out little reminders of his lie. His reactions are always smooth.

It could almost be charming when he tells her he plans to corrupt her. It's exactly the sort of thing Rebecca finds exciting. Rachel wonders how far she could corrupt him, if she really tried. Caffrey's malleable. It might be interesting to see how much she could shape him. But that's not in the plan, so Rachel discards the thought.

She doesn't hide how excited she is to finally see Mosconi's only thirteenth chapter, even if she filters it through Rebecca. There's a beauty and complexity to Mosconi that so few appreciate. Caffrey's forgeries may not be the real thing, but they're tantalizingly close. She enjoys sharing her excitement. Caffrey isn't her equal, but like his forgeries, he's very close.

Then Caffrey surprises her. Years of studying Mosconi had led her to believe that pages of the Codex themselves may be a clue, but Caffrey leaps to that conclusion immediately. He works lightning fast, and Rachel can almost see the way his minds twists and turns, thinking in corkswcrews. The way his hand lingers on her body is a distraction from the true pleasure Rachel is getting from piecing this puzzle together. 

It's beautiful, seeing the pages put together. Rachel has never been this close. It's easy to kiss Caffrey, almost natural, as she lets Rebecca's excitement mingle with her own. She quickly remembers herself though, just in time for Mozzie to walk in. Rebecca is flustered and embarrassed, and Rachel uses the opportunity to make a quick exit. When Caffrey offers a friendly challenge about which of them can find the window, both Rebecca and Rachel enjoy the prospect of a challenge. Rebecca finds nothing strange about that. Rachel does. It's been a long time since she knew anyone worth competing with.

Rachel is vibrating with energy the whole way back to her apartment. Once there, she delves into her Mosconi files, looking for any mention of stained glass. She marks down several likely locations as she researches, though none of them pan out. Success is close enough to taste, but it still eludes her.

Rachel isn't certain what to expect what Caffrey invites her out. She hopes that he's found the window, even if she can admit she would have preferred to find it herself. It's Rachel's opinions in Rebecca's voice when she notes she doesn't like surprises, but Rebecca says it lightly. 

But it's worth it, it really is worth it, when she opens her eyes and sees the window from the Codex. She thought the pages of the codex were beautiful. This is even better. It's Mosconi's work made tangible, and the promise that her search has not been in vain. There is a treasure to be found.

She lets Caffrey kiss her, even though it means taking her eyes off the window. Hell, he's earned it. And standing front of real proof of her dreams, she's in a very good mood.

She passes along the information about the window to Hagen. She knows it galls him, how fast Caffrey is moving. Hagen wants to think himself smarter than Caffrey. He wants to believe that it was mere luck that let Caffrey catch him. All criminals are like that. If they've never been caught, they think they never will be, and if they have been, they think it was a fluke. Even Rachel herself is no exception. But she knows there really are criminals who never get caught, they're just not the ones that make the history books. Rachel intends to be like that, a whisper, a ghost, who will fade away undefeated. But men like Hagen and Caffrey don't have that in them. They long for the spotlight too much. Caffrey handled capture with much more grace than Hagen, and Rachel's not sure if she finds it admirable or pathetic.

She isn't gentle when she tells Hagen of Caffrey's progress. If Hagen views this a competition, he'll work all the harder. He obviously relishes the opportunity to get one over on Caffrey. Rachel sees Hagen's grudge as small and petty, the fixation of a small-minded man. Rachel has never been interested in revenge for its own sake. She'll do what she has to to protect her reputation or her profits, but she sees no purpose in getting even just to get even. There's no profit in it. Rachel would easily describe herself as ruthless, but she doesn't consider herself cruel. 

Caffrey has some of what Rachel has, though not nearly as intensely. But for all his gentlemen thief tendencies, Rachel has seen the way he's used and lied to Rebecca, even as his feelings for her grow. Caffrey is a beautiful liar. It's one thing in him that Rachel can admire without compunction. Rachel is better, however, and that has been Caffrey's downfall more than once--the inability to recognize that someone might be better than him.

She doesn't know yet what Hagen's downfall will be, but she's certain it will happen. Most likely it will be his overreaching.

Rachel doesn't intend to fall at all. She's as ruthless with herself as she is with the rest of the world. She knows exactly how good she is and doesn't pretend to be better. She's cautious and doesn't act until she's certain. Most importantly, she doesn't _feel_ the way Hagen and Caffrey do. Hagen with his rage and resentment, Caffrey with his sentiment and affection. Rachel appreciates it in them, since it makes them easier to control, but she has no desire to weaken herself that way. She doesn't fool herself that she lacks emotion completely, but she lacks enough. Maybe there was a Rachel Turner ages ago who could feel the dizzying highs and crushing lows, but if so, Rachel doesn't remember her. Mostly she remembers learning what people expected her to feel and faking it. It's been an invaluable life skill.

She leaves Hagen to his little thoughts. She has more important work to do.


	4. I'm Gonna Raise the Stakes (5x08: Digging Deeper)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Seven Devils" by Florence + the Machine.

Sharing information on Mosconi with Caffrey is an unexpected pleasure. She finds herself looking forward to showing him the picture of the gravestone. (After kicking herself for missing the Masonic connection.) She finds herself disappointed to find Mozzie lying in wait.

Mozzie doesn't trust her, but that doesn't bother her. She knows everything about him, while he'll never slip past her defenses. 

Luckily, while Neal likes his friend better than Rachel does, he would also like to spend time together unmonitored. Rachel would rather spend the evening at the library studying Mosconi than a fancy dinner, but any opportunity to get into Caffrey's head is worth taking. 

Rachel will say this for Caffrey, he makes an entertaining dinner companion. Even if her main source of amusement is watching him keep to the cover story he's invented. Rachel is as impressed by talent as anyone, and she has to admit that Caffrey is a master.

The dinner almost takes on farce status when Agent Burke decides to drop by. It turns out that he's as interested as she is in poking holes in Caffrey's story, even if he's not nearly as subtle about it. Caffrey falters there, but Rachel can hardly blame him. She wasn't expecting this turn of events either. At least now she knows that Burke could be a wild card. She takes pity on Caffrey and leaves with Elizabeth Burke. There's no reason not to get to know the woman better, not when she knows that Caffrey cares about her.

The evening is cut short when Caffrey has to go work a case. Rachel plays understanding and impressed with the very important job Caffrey has to go do. 

Coming back to her apartment, Rachel feels a sense of unease that she can't place. She checks and double checks her perimeter and all her security measures, but nothing is out of place.

Rachel's apartment is satisfactory for her needs. It's out of Caffrey's radius, the landlord respects her privacy, and the view is decent for surveying. It's a place to keep the things she needs. She doesn't like or dislike it. It simply is. Rachel can't remembers feeling much about any place she's lived.

Caffrey likes his place, but then again, he lives in a mansion, even if only a small part of it. Caffrey would dislike her apartment even if it weren't filled with surveillance files on him and everyone he knows. He would find it stifling and impersonal. Caffrey likes to accumulate things, even if he doesn't keep them.

It occurs to Rachel that she'd much rather be with Caffrey at his apartment than alone at hers. If Rachel were the type for self-deception, she'd tell herself that if she and Caffrey were together at his place, they could be working on getting the window, but she knows that's not it.

Rachel doesn't like people. People are useful, or they aren't. Caffrey is very useful, so he's worth keeping engaged. But he's also one of the few people intelligent enough to keep up with her, nearly. He can hold a conversation on the subjects she's interested in. He's selfish, but Rachel respects survival instinct. Even his kindness isn't usually insufferable. 

These feelings are unusual enough to disturb Rachel, but she assures herself that nothing has changed. The plan is still going exactly as she intended. Caffrey is playing his role exactly as she wants him to, and Rachel certainly likes _that_.

She goes to Caffrey's apartment. She needs to follow up on their date. She plays Rebecca's sweet embarrassment precisely as she should. She needs to keep drawing him in deeper.

And then Caffrey does something she doesn't expect. He tells her the truth.

It should have been in her plans. Caffrey is falling for Rebecca, which is everything Rachel could have hoped for, and now his romantic streak is getting the best of him. But it still catches her off guard. 

Rebecca is hurt, confused, and angry, and she makes that clear. Rebecca is too naïve to have ever seen this coming. And what Rebecca should do next is storm out and refuse to speak to him. Not for long of course, but for at least a day. It would probably work to her advantage if he were afraid of losing her.

But Rachel doesn't leave. Instead, she locks the door, and kisses him hungrily. She doesn't need to make him afraid of losing her. She can keep him like this. Rebecca will give all the reassurance he needs, the woman who can accept all of him.

And, damn it, Rachel isn't interested in playing out any other scene. She wants him, and that's not how it should be. Desire for Rachel is a controllable thing. She feels it, rarely, but is never led by it. But she can admit that while tearing Caffrey's clothes off benefits the plan, that's not the only reason she's doing it.

There's nothing wrong with this. Rachel can get everything she wants. Caffrey still has no idea what she's doing, Hagen is kept in line for now, and she's moved closer to her goal in these few weeks than ever before. Why not include some lust in that?

It comes as no surprise that Caffrey is a talented lover, but while Rachel has mastered sex as a weapon and a tool, she doesn't think that's Caffrey's game. She's been watching him a long while, and playing Rebecca has allowed her to see within him. Caffrey has sex because it's fun, and because he cares. It's not so bad to play along.

Caffrey falls asleep long before Rachel does. It goes against a great deal of conditioning to sleep so close to another person. But she's also trained herself to sleep wherever or however necessary, and staying up all night isn't going to do her any good.

Rebecca, on the other hand, is exactly the type to cuddle in her lover's arms. And even if no one is awake to see her, it never hurts to stay in character. So, Rachel allows herself to fall asleep in Caffrey's embrace, and doesn't think anything more of it.


	5. Quite an Elaborate Scheme (5x09: No Good Deed)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "The Fine Art of Poisoning" by Jill Tracy.

It's an unfamiliar feeling, waking up in Caffrey's arms, though not a bad one. The slow, sensual morning sex that follows doesn't hurt either.

It's meant to be a romantic scene, and Rachel plays it well. It doesn't hurt that she's able to let a small amount of truth mingle with her lies. She is, after all, pleased and entertained with Caffrey's intelligence. And she has certainly cozied up to far less attractive men.

Caffrey will be freer with her now that he's told her the truth about himself. He'll feel closer to her than ever, and Rebecca has proven that she's someone who can accept all parts of him. It's a good combination. 

Caffrey's protective streak may continue to be a problem, however. He still wants her to stay away from Hagen. She can work on that though. Caffrey just needs the right pressure, and it's only a matter of time before she finds it.

Rachel makes her exit quickly after Mozzie shows up. She does her best work on Caffrey when the two of them are alone.

Rachel gives herself the day to think, and decides it's time to push on the window. She needs to be more deeply involved. Otherwise, Hagen will get ahead of her, and she cannot afford that. They've been playing nice with each other this far, but she's aware of his true nature. He will cut her out if he thinks he can get away with it. She'd kill him, of course, but he'd take that risk, and who knows how much work she could lose.

If only Caffrey could see how much better they'd be working together. Not that she can blame him. Rebecca Lowe knows books, not crime. It's a good sign that he doesn't want an amateur hanging around. 

She knows she comes on strong, coming in and immediately revealing Caffrey's plan, but he won't see through her. He's too invested in Rebecca and too used to seeing what he wants to see. Who says you can't con a con?

Luckily, she doesn't have to play out of character. This is why she crafted Rebecca to be hungry for adventure. She mixes it with a caring girlfriend, who's still a little unsure of where she stands in this new relationship. Caffrey resists, but Rachel knows even then that she'll prevail. It's a simple matter of weakness, and Caffrey is susceptible to her, whereas she has no such disadvantage. It's not a battle of wills, it's an inevitability.

That doesn't mean she doesn't have to work at it. Caffrey is stubborn, and his experience with loss has made him resistant to exposing her to danger.

It's lucky for her she's so good at what she does, because a lesser woman would burst out laughing when Caffrey confidently declares she wasn't a criminal. Oh, she can't help but regret that she can't show him everything she's capable of.

But showing him who she really is isn't an option, so instead she pulls away. It would have been too risky before, but now she knows that if she denies him, he'll follow. And who could blame poor Rebecca, who's so insecure, and still getting used to all her boyfriend's secrets. Caffrey will blame himself, and it will lead him to do whatever he has to in order to keep her. Guilt is a potent weapon against those who are capable of it.

It works, at first. He let's slip information. He develops glimmer of suspicion, but Rachel presses on. This is a calculated risk. She goes fast, doesn't let him think too hard about her questions, and she gives him what she knows he secretly wants: her sharing his life. She's in.

The thing about Caffrey is that he genuinely loves his work. Rachel knows he's not happy about stealing the window for Hagen, but he can't help but be caught in the thrill of it. His interest is catching. Rachel can't help enjoying this job more than any she can remember, even if doesn't require her to actually do anything of skill.

Once more she contemplates working further with Caffrey. It wouldn't be hard to do. He was willing to bring Kate Moreau into the criminal life. She'd have to pretend to learn, but she's pretended all her life. Soon enough, they could be two masters. It could be a very profitable relationship.

No sooner is the job done than Burke appears on the scene. The timing could have been even worse, but Rachel resents his intrusion. She was actually looking forward to celebrating with Caffrey. 

The wait is getting excruciating. Rebecca's intellectual excitement is intertwined with Rachel's hunger. Still she has not come this far without being patient. She's pushed Caffrey hard already. Even he'll have a point when he becomes suspicious. So, she waits until evening. Her pain at seeing the window dismantled is not entirely feigned. Mosconi was a master. But the ends more than justify the means. Besides, Mosconi wouldn't have done all this if he didn't intend for his treasure to be found. Really, Rachel's honoring him.

Finding the decoder is more luck than skill, but Rachel will take the victory. And Caffrey manages to be at the top of his game. His plan to get out from under Hagen's thumb would, under other circumstances, most likely work. But however much Rachel has come to admire Caffrey's skills, she can't afford to let him go. A situation like this was one of the main reasons she insinuated herself with Caffrey in the first place.

She calls Hagen and informs him of the danger. He's livid, as she expected he would be. He fumes and snarls. His immediate plan is to kill Caffrey and take the decoder.

And unpleasant jolt shoots through Rachel. It's an idiotic plan. Caffrey is still useful. Without him, the vast majority of their progress would not have happened, and he can do more still. She tells Hagen as much. There's a suspicious silence on his end of the line before Hagen asks her if she hasn't grown too attached to Caffrey.

It's an insulting question, and shows the kind of gall Rachel can't allow. Whatever Hagen thinks, she has always been the brains of the operation.

(And if the thought of killing Caffrey does cause a discomfort that Rachel can't name, she has other worries at the moment.)

Luckily, she has a much better plan.


	6. Better Men Have Hit Their Knees and Bigger Men Have Died (5x10: Live Feed)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Raise Hell" by Brandi Carlile.

Rachel's planning has moved into overdrive. She's always half known that Hagen may need to be eliminated, but now she's sure. He's going along with her plan to fake a kidnapping, because even he can recognize it's a good one, but he's growing increasingly resentful. She's suspects he's watching her. They've lost whatever trust existed between them.

Rachel has always found Hagen's grudge against Caffrey to be petty and unproductive, but now she finds it insufferable. Hagen has longed ceased to be a useful partner. He was initially needed to hook Caffrey, but she has Caffrey now, and she won't lose him. Hagen has become a loose canon.

She needs to take him out of play before he can do the same to her. She'll kill him if she has to, but getting him arrested will be just as good. And a convicted forger with a known signature is so easy to frame.

Rachel doesn't let on to any of this. She sets up the scene in her apartment and pretends the two of them are still on the same side.

Being kidnapped is an unpleasant mix of dull and tense. She's used to sitting in one place for hours on end, but she also has to be constantly acting. Caffrey could be looking at any moment. Not that she can't handle it. She has accomplished much more difficult feats.

Caffrey moves fast, considering everything he's juggling, which means Rachel has to spend far less time cramped in the corner of her apartment than she thought she might. Caffrey's voice is urgent but sure. If Rachel were actually afraid, she thinks she'd find it reassuring.

He keeps her on the phone. In these moments, she is more Rebecca than she's ever been. It feels natural to not only sound afraid, but to perform fear as well. To look around wildly when she knows perfectly well there's no one following her. It's good. It increases verisimilitude.

She finds herself running. Because it's what Rebecca would do. Because it's what Caffrey expects her to do. But also because what she really wants in that moment is to see Caffrey. 

And then she's in Neal's arms, and it's exactly what she wants.

Unfortunately, her plan has worked a little too well. Just when Caffrey was finally letting her in, his protective instincts have reared up again. Rachel really should have expected this. This sort of situation was, after all, exactly what he was afraid of. But she's able to get him to open to her with little prompting this time.

That's when Caffrey gives her the clue that puts everything together. A Hindu idol. A woman with a crown. Oh, Mosconi's great treasure is everything she hoped it would be. How could Rachel ask for better than the twin to the Hope Diamond?

But bad news follows good news, when Caffrey tells her that he destroyed the Codex in order to save her. Damn, the kidnapping seemed like such a good idea at the time, but it's brought trouble. He's about to tell her something more, when he gets a call. She can guess from his side that it's about Hagen, who really has become more trouble than he's worth. She made the right choice disposing of him. She has a better partner now.

But she doesn't expect Hagen to go down easy. She goes to stake out his place. He might go a few places, but she believes this is the most likely. She tosses it first, removing anything that could incriminate her or Caffrey.

She's right about where Hagen would go. When she sees him with Caffrey and Burke, she knows what his plan is. He's wanted revenge against Caffrey from the start, and this is his way of ending Caffrey and likely her as well. It's a good plan. Hagen is good. But Rachel's better. Hagen was never willing to believe that, and that's what's about to destroy him.

Emotion has never served Rachel well. The best operative is a calm operative. But she's angry now. Not so much at his betrayal of her; she half expected that, and will punish him for it. But trying to take away Caffrey is another thing entirely. She wants Caffrey free. She wants Caffrey working for her. Neal isn't going anywhere. And if Hagen thinks he can change that, then he's a very stupid man indeed. 

Rachel can't remember the last time she took such pleasure in a kill.

She has to move fast afterward. She did just shoot a man in full view of the FBI.

She doesn't go back to her apartment. She'd never return to a base after a kill. Instead, she runs back to one of her established safe houses. 

Hagen's treachery has been a blessing in disguise. Now she can move forward without him dragging her down. She doesn't know exactly how to find the diamond with the Codex destroyed, but Caffrey indicated he had some sort of plan. Between the two of them surely they can come up with something. And now Hagen can't do anything to take Caffrey away. Rachel will have to keep a very close eye on Agent Burke, in case he tries to do something stupid, but now, with the footage of the gold robbery in hand, the one who holds the key to Caffrey's freedom is her. She shouldn't need to use it, but it's always good to have an extra ace.

Losing the Codex is a frustration, but everything else is going perfectly, if not necessarily as expected. But the unexpected is itself to be expected. No plan survives first contact with the enemy, as they say. Talent is being able to make the plan work anyway, and Rachel is more than talented. She's the best.

She's moving into the endgame now. However they get there, the pieces will only move where she wants them to. Her main threat was Hagen, and she took care of him. Neither the FBI nor Caffrey have any idea that she's working right under their noses.

It's only a little more time until she has everything she wants.


	7. But My Dark Side's True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the major advantage of posting an already completed fic? No huge gaps in posting. Unless, of course, the author happens to be a COMPLETE FLAKE. I am really am sorry.
> 
> Title comes from "Kinda Outta Luck" by Lana Del Rey

At first, Rachel intends to keep to her lunch plans with Caffrey, but she ends up going to his place early. She can't wait any longer to ask him about his plans to find the diamond.

(There's an urge in her that demands to see him, to make sure that he's really there, to prove all over again that he hasn't been taken away from her. It's irrational, and Rachel ignores it.)

Caffrey's guilt about leaving her alone yesterday is typical of him, but even less necessary than he realizes. If he had stuck around, she wouldn't have been able to kill Hagen. His absence saved both him and Rachel. 

But Caffrey's tension melts away easily. She still feels an edge to him, but without further information, she'll attribute that to residual emotion over her kidnapping. He does get worked up.

As much as Rachel came to talk about the Codex and the diamond, she doesn't mind watching Caffrey play out his little charade with Agent Burke. In fact, she rather enjoys sharing in such an innocent conspiracy. It's certainly a change.

She remembers to react with surprise when Caffrey tells her Hagen is dead. Poor Rebecca is quite shocked at the news. Rebecca would never wish anyone dead.

It's not hard to play ignorant about the circumstances of Hagen's death. How could someone like Rebecca be expected to have any information?

Something is still not right about Caffrey, but Rachel still can't quite identify what. She figures it out only when she finally starts to push him for information on the codex. As usual, he's decided that he has to protect her. Rachel wonders how many times this game will be required. Playing Rebecca does has a few downsides. She believes that all she'll have to do is threaten to pull away, and he'll cave just as he always has before, but then he surprises her with talk of leaving behind that part of his life. Rachel's incredulous laugh is not faked. People like them don't change. But Caffrey insists, insists that he could do it for her. 

Rachel almost doesn't know what to say to that. She can't imagine what Rebecca would say. Of all the things she expected from Caffrey, this was never one of them.

It's ridiculous. All that she's done has been for the Mosconi's treasure, the diamond. Getting close to Caffrey was entirely for that purpose. And now her plan has worked too well.

Rachel has thought very little about what she'll do after she has the diamond. Purchase expensive real estate and never work again, yes, but what else? Neal seems to have his long term plans worked out, but they'll never happen. They can't.

She's saved from having to answer him when her phone alerts her that her apartment has been breached. One problem follows another today. Is it the FBI? Did Hagen have allies he kept even from her? Or is some completely separate enemy? Rachel has no shortage of them.

Caffrey of course doesn't understand why has has to leave so suddenly, and Rachel admits it looks strange. But any worries she had about assuaging possible suspicions disappear with what Caffrey says next.

Unlike his declaration to change his life for her, a confession of love is not unexpected. Or at least, it shouldn't be. But Rachel finds herself speechless all over again. Luckily, Rebecca doesn't know what to say either. She's glad to be able to make her escape.

The source of the perimeter breach is by all evidence a fallen menu, which hardly counts as an active threat, but that's only one problem down.

Caffrey's in love with her. _Neal_ is in love her, and Rachel shouldn't feel anything at that but she does. She knows she's grown more attached to Neal than she should, but it never got in her way, so she allowed it. And he was so useful. He's still useful.

She could still convince him to go after the diamond. It might not be easy, but she could do it. And with that score the two of them could do anything. Together. She'd convince him to convince Rebecca to leave with him, they'd buy their castle, or villa, or whatever, and do... whatever they wanted.

But things are going to have to change. Rebecca has to become more than a cover story. Rebecca has to become her entirety, because it's Rebecca Neal loves. And she can do it. She can be Rebecca, and Neal will never have to know she was ever anyone else. A few lies to protect them both. Neal would understand, if he could know. Lies are what keep people safe.

She has to get rid of anything that isn't Rebecca. And she has to let Neal know how she feels. His confession deserves an answer. “I love you too.” She doesn't even fully understand that she means it until she says it, but it's true. She's in love with him.

She can't remember ever being this happy. It's too strange, but she doesn't want it to stop. And that's when it all starts to go wrong.

She wants to laugh in Burke's face when he tells her Neal is under suspicion for killing Hagen. As if Neal could ever be a killer. But of course the FBI would believe that. Like all law enforcement, they're ungraceful brutes looking for an easy target. There's a lot she doesn't know about Neal Caffrey? She knows everything she needs to.

This is bad. This is too close to both of them. She won't see Neal go down for this. She'll protect him.

Unfortunately, it turns out there are indeed some things she didn't know about Neal. Such as the fact that he's an even better liar than she thought. Such as the fact that he knows who she really. Such as the fact that he's willing to sell her out.

She's furious. After everything she was going to give up for him, this is how he repays her? She should have known.

She knows where they'll go, so it's easy to lie in wait. It would be so easy to pick them all off, but that would create such a mess. FBI agents slaughtered en masse would not help her situation. But when Neal and Burke get too close to her go bag, doing something becomes necessary. That's not her only go bag, but it is her most well stocked, and most expedient one. Finding it would provide far too many clues.

She should kill Neal. That would put an end to his interference, and guarantee Agent Burke being to distracted to find anything. But her guts clench, and she realizes that Neal's betrayal has not caused her feelings to disappear. She can't hurt him. But nor can she stand by and allow this to happen, and besides, Neal should learn that actions have consequences. So she grazes him. Once the shot is fired, she has go. Hopefully it will distract him and Burke. Hopefully it will remind him what she's capable of. 

Later, Rachel almost ignores Neal's message. He's proved as untrustworthy as Hagen in his own way. But he's promising her the diamond, and she can't afford to give that up. Not after all this.

She should make the exchange and get out. Instead, she lets herself weaken. Neal is offering her _everything_ she wants, and after all they've been through together, it's possible to believe that he wants her as much she wants him.

But he doesn't. Rachel is as angry at herself for falling for Neal's trap as she is with him for setting it. Maybe that's why she doesn't kill him after all he's done to deserve it. (It's not why.)

He doesn't know what he's talking about. Rachel doesn't hate herself or her life. Neal's as great a fool about her as he is about everything else. Rachel's life was fine until he started interfering. 

Being caught by the FBI isn't the end. Neal may not realize it, but she's been playing nice up til now. She'll even give him warning. The fact that he takes her call speaks volumes. He's not as immune to her as he thinks he is. She can use that. There's plenty she can use. She's not out of the game yet.


	8. Baby, I'm Coming for You (5x12: Taking Stock)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you freaking kidding me? I could have sworn I updated this here when I updated on lj/dw. I am a disappointment, and I acknowledge this.
> 
> Chapter title comes from "Hell on Heels" by the Pistol Annies.

Jail is even worse than Rachel imagined. She's become so used to running, being able to be anywhere anytime she wanted, and now she's trapped. 

The other inmates range from stupid to pitiful, mainly in for drug charges, with a handful who are in for something slightly more interesting, such as killing abusive husbands. There aren't any in Rachel's league. Some of the guards are inept, some are thugs, and some are both. None of them present a genuine threat, but their petty power galls Rachel

The boredom is the worst. Rachel always has a plan in motion, but here there's nothing to do. She's not interested in the inmates' petty dramas, not when she has made international crime rings rise and fall. She doesn't want to learn cosmetology or take GED classes. She graduated first from Oxford, dear god. And the very idea of programs to control her violence are laughable. Her violence has always been perfectly controlled.

It's an empty, stupid place, for empty stupid people. Rachel does not belong here. 

She imagines Neal in a place like this, a glittering diamond ( _their_ diamond, perhaps), among such bleak, dull grey. Rachel wonders how did it, how he survived such a stagnant, ugly environment, surrounded by his intellectual inferiors. 

She'd like so badly to call him again, but her phone privileges are extremely limited. They don't like cop killers here. (If only they knew how many she'd killed.) She needs to hear Neal's voice. He would understand what this is doing to her. She wants to ask Neal how he stood this place without going insane.

Then again, maybe he didn't. Maybe prison broke something inside him, the part of him that knows how to be free. He went from prison to the anklet, exchanging one prison for another, shinier one, and now he thinks it's what he wants. Why else would he give up millions of dollars? (Why else would he give up her?)

Escape becomes a necessity. She can't spend the rest of her life in a place like this. Someday she'll track down Neal and give him another chance, once he's had time to realize how much he's lost.

A call from the FBI to the correctional facility halts her plans. Rachel hates how glad she is to be outside, even if it's just long enough to go from jail to car to FBI building.

The sight of Agent Burke's face fills her with loathing. This is the man who's been a nonstop thorn in her side. This is the man who holds Neal's strings. Neal may have laid the trap, but this is the man who has consigned her and so many others to a stale hell.

Even as she tells him to his face, Rachel knows Burke can't possibly understand that it was only her graciousness that kept him alive, her unwillingness to hurt Neal so terribly, whatever good it might have done both him and her in the long run.

Burke wants something from her, she knows that immediately. And he tries to bargain with her even as she only wants one thing. She makes the trade, a piece of information for Neal. It's worth it.

She wants to make Neal understand. Rachel is everything he's ever wanted, his absolutely perfect lover. Whatever they are separately, they could be so much more together.

Neal plays it cool, but Rachel knows she's getting to him. The bond between them is too deep to be ignored.

She's disappointed when he asks about a past job, bringing up his tedious FBI business when they have so much more important things to talk about. But she can use it to her advantage. There are things she wants to know about him. She starts them both off easy, but she wants something much deeper. She needs him to confess what they both know: that the feelings between them are too strong to be denied. But he's unwilling to admit it. It's true: there are none so blind as those who refuse to see. But that's all right. She has plenty of time to make him realize.

The whole trip is turns out to be an unexpected opportunity. It takes work, but through careful listening, she gets a sense of who the client might be. Rachel's services are known only to a select few. Once back at the jail, it's simple to bring out a cellphone that she previously acquired, and send out a text to the likely parties. Then the real fun begins. 

There are lessons that need to be taught. The FBI have grown complacent now that they've captured her. That's useful, but insulting. She needs to remind them who Rachel Turner is, and why she's someone to be feared. She needs to remind Agent Burke that any power he thought he had over her was hollow and fleeting. There is no one clever enough, no one quick enough to own her. She hopes Burke remember that it's only her mercy towards Neal that prevents this lesson from being delivered via bullet to the brain.

And Neal, Neal has so much to learn. Rachel loves him, but she can never allow anyone to control her, not even him. She's going to have to make it very clear who's in charge. Isn't that part of love? Helping the other person become who they're meant to be? And Neal is meant to be with her, just as soon as he learns the rules. And if he refuses to learn, well, she'll get what she wants either way. It will hurt, if Neal turns out to be too ruined by the FBI to deserve what she's offering. But she'll give him a chance first. 

Some lessons are uncomfortable, but they have to be learned. Rachel would never hurt Neal, not really. But she knows he won't enjoy what's coming next. She doesn't relish that, but Rachel has always done what's necessary. 

If he's worth it, and Rachel so very much wants him to be, then he'll understand.


	9. Femme Fatale, Always on the Run (5x13: Diamond Exchange)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Kinda Outta Luck" by Lana Del Rey.

Luckily, Rachel's escape plan comes to her already complete. Even in this, she and Neal are connected. She doesn't have time to order a uniform, but she's always been willing to get her hands dirty. It would be just as easy to kill the guard as to simply put her down, but the reverse is also true. Rachel lets her live and wonders what Neal might think of it. Will he be impressed with her magnanimity?

Freedom is only the first step. Now she has to keep it by moving fast. Not a problem. She makes an important stop at a pharmaceutical greenhouse. She'll acquire a gun, and she has her combat skills, but poison has its uses. She can't assume the FBI won't follow her steps, so she obfuscates. 

Getting to Neal's apartment without being seen is trickier, but doable. She's planning on waiting for him, but Mozzie walks in and changes her plans. When he says he can decode the locations of the diamond, several options present themselves. The simplest plan is to torture the information out of him, then kill him to prevent him from telling anyone else. It would have the extra advantage of seriously distracting Neal and the FBI. But it's not a plan she can go through with. Losing his best friend would break Neal's heart. (This despite the fact that he broke hers. She lets him get away with so much.)

Still, she needs that diamond, and she needs to show Neal that she means business. He can't think she'll let him walk all over her. A relationship has give and take, and right now, she's the one taking.

She's on Mozzie before he knows what's happening. It's easy to knock him out and deliver the dose of belladonna. 

She doesn't need to get the coordinates out of Mozzie. She doesn't need to get the diamond herself. She can have Neal do it for her. She hides a phone in the book that brought them closer together. Then she waits.

Neal is very emotional when she calls him, which she supposes is understandable, but unnecessary. She hasn't done any permanent damage. Why doesn't he understand that she won't hurt him? She hasn't done anything to Mozzie that can't be undone, just as long as Neal does what Rachel knows he can do. This can be business.

But not entirely business. Despite the serious circumstances, Rachel can't help a wave of happiness. It's good to hear his voice. She tells him so before hanging up. After that, she needs to start making calls. She knows a man who'll be able to get her out the country who's in need of a serious treasure. She doesn't intend to give it to him, but he doesn't need to know that. She also prepares for whatever Neal might try. He's very stubborn, but she knows him well, so she knows what he'll do.

Neal makes good time, just as she knew he would. But she also knows that even if she can trust Neal to prioritize Mozzie's life, the same can't be said for Burke and the rest of the feds. They're like that. She should know. She used to be one of them. So, while she she'd like her and Neal's final meeting to be in a sunny park, she'll have to settle for the old fort. Either way, it will so nice to see him, even if it is one last time.

It's entertaining to listen to Neal and Burke's conversation and flattering to hear that Neal has such a high estimation of her. Poor Burke thinks he's one step ahead, while she has things all planned out. It's not hard to take both of them by surprise.

The difference between her and Neal is that Neal lets love make him weak. He plays the smooth, in control con, until someone he loves is threatened, at which point he rolls over like a dog. Rachel may love Neal, but she's not going to let it affect her judgment.

The difference between her and Burke is that he thinks he's better than he truly is, while she is capable of everything she claims. Trying to pull the gun on her was stupid, and she should kill him, but she refrains. She's about to win anyway. There's no reason to force Neal to watch Burke die, even if the affection Neal feels for his captor is a pathetic thing. 

It was unknowingly considerate of Mosconi to hide the diamond where he did, as it's not hard to find a place to stash Neal and Burke. She doesn't mind getting a chance to run her hand along Neal's body one last time, even if he does insist on cheapening the moment. After all the nights (and mornings) they spent together, how can he claim to not want her touch?

She leaves Neal locked away with a pang of regret. They could have been so brilliant, and now Neal's nothing again. She doesn't look back at him.

As well as she knows him, Rachel should have known Neal would wriggle his way out. But she's done playing games. She's getting out, she's getting her diamond, and she is going to have every last thing she's ever wanted. (Except him.) He tries to sell her on the two of them running away together, but as much as Rachel longs to hear it, she knows better. Neal fooled her once, but never again.

Or so she thought. That bastard. That utter bastard. For the first time she feels a slight amount of sympathy for Hagen.

Backup plans race through her head. If Neal doesn't have the diamond, then she can still use him to get it. Burke will be a lot more cooperative with a gun to Neal's head. Even if she'd never go through with it, Burke couldn't afford to be certain of that.

But Burke's already called for backup, and Rachel has been in the game long enough to know the life expectancy of human shield. A stray bullet would leave Neal just as dead as if she'd done the job herself, and then she'd be caught anyway.

There has to be a plan. So she's lost her leverage with Mozzie's life. So her way out has taken off like a coward. She's Rachel Turner, and she doesn't lose. She _never_ loses, because she does whatever it takes to win. Always.

God, she's tired. She's tired of this stupid treasure hunt that's consumed her life and given her nothing in return. She's tired of loving Neal when he'll never feel the same way about her. She's tired of being someone else every day, and burying Rachel deeper and deeper. 

Neal says she has to know when it's over? It's never over. Not as long as she draws breath.

But she's so tired.

Sharks die if they stop swimming, and she's always been the same. How can Neal say it's time to stop running? Is that why he's shackled himself to the FBI and started begging for treats? That will never be Rachel. But she's still so tired.

There's no way she can escape that won't get Neal hurt. She can't hurt Neal. And she's admitting for the first time that she's wearier than she ever knew she could be. So she stops. She finally stops.

It's hard to look at Neal, to face his pity. But the view is beautiful. And there's no one she'd rather share it with.


	10. 'Cause I Love You Just a Little too Much (6x01: Borrowed Time)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Serial Killer" by Lana Del Rey. This fic is complete. Also, I realize this was yet another unreasonable delay between chapters, but this time I sort of had a good reason. Check below.

The problem with life is that there's no graceful fade to black. Rachel's last moments don't get to be the ones with Neal, gazing at that beautiful water. She goes back to jail, which is every bit as horrible as it was before. Worse, even, because they aren't giving her any chances to escape. Which makes them idiots, because she could escape no matter how they tried to stop her, but that would just make her a fugitive, bringing her right back to the life that ground her down without her even being aware of it. She sees her days stretch beyond her endlessly, and she doesn't know how she'll stand it.

A trip to the FBI is equal parts tiresome deja vu and welcome distraction. At least it gives her something to wonder about. She can't imagine what insipid thing they're going to ask her for this time. She can't imagine what they think she owes them.

She can't resist shooting Mozzie a smirk when she sees him, and he blanches just a little. It's a tiny rush of power, but she needs it. The government may be better than anyone else when it comes it causing pain, but Rachel can hold her own. Best people remember that. She wishes it didn't feel so hollow.

She expected her presence in the FBI to have something to do with Neal, but she isn't expecting Burke to tell her he's been kidnapped. She hides her surprise. If she's here then they want something from her, and that means she can get something from them. And as soon as Burke suggests she might know who took Neal, the pieces click. Booth did have ambition. And desperation. Not a safe combination. It figures he'd try something like this. He must be ecstatic, thinking he'll be able to get the diamond without trying to outwit her. This means she does indeed have something she can trade.

That's when Burke does something Rachel never could have anticipated. He offers her nothing, nothing but the chance to save the person she loves and fix a problem she caused. She should laugh in his face. She's of one the world's deadliest killers. She always has an angle, and Burke wants her to save Neal for nothing. It should be preposterous. But then she imagines Neal alone with a Booth, who has killed before and has no reason not to do so again. Booth who will be angry when he realizes the diamond is out of his reach. And she thinks of that day when she and Neal stood overlooking the water, and for one beautiful moment she felt like Neal was seeing her instead of the woman she had pretended to be.

She gives Burke what he wants. It's against every instinct she has, but she can't do anything else. And then she waits. She waits while Burke and his team run off to play hero, while she sits ignored. She ponders escaping, but she knows there's no way she'd make it out the building alive. It's a less depressing thought than she thought it would be. But she sits and plays the good girl, because she has one thing left in her life that means anything to her, and she doesn't know if he's dead or alive. Even if he does survive, she has no idea if anyone will let her see him. And she needs to see him.

When Neal walks into the conference room, Rachel feel more relief than she ever has before. He's alive, and whole, and she didn't kill him.

They only have the distance of a table between them, but it feels like much more. The last time they sat like this, Rachel still thought she could win. She thought she could get the diamond and make Neal realize that she was perfect for him. Now, she has nothing awaiting her but multiple life sentences, and she's the one who's realized that she will never be the person Neal loved. He reminds her of that every time he calls her Rebecca. And a strange way, Rachel murdered Rebecca just as much as she murdered David Siegel or Hagen. Out of everything, maybe's that what Neal can least forgive her for. Neal belonged to Rebecca. He was never really Rachel's.

Her whole life, Rachel was alone, and she thought she was happy that way. Then Neal came into her life, and she discovered what it meant to want to connect to another person. But the distance between her and Neal cannot be crossed. Worse than being alone is realizing she is alone, and the one thing worse than that is realizing she will always be alone. 

Her whole life has been leading to this moment, she just never realized it. In saving Neal, she has done one good thing, the best thing she could have done. It will have to be enough.

She won't go back to prison, and she won't return to the life she led. That makes her choice very easy. She only hopes that her words will help Neal learn what she figured out too late: the end will always come, and you will never quite be ready for it, but you can still face it head on.

She had never been afraid a day in her life until Booth kidnapped Neal, and she's not afraid now.

It occurs to Rachel, in the split second before she grabs for the guard’s gun, that she might pull this so-called escape off. The chance is small, but still possible. What would she do then?

She never needs to think about it any further. She lunges for the gun and feels the bullets sink into her. 

Dying on the streets of New York, Rachel wonders if Neal will mourn her, the real her. She thinks he will, just a little. It's as close to his love as she'll ever get. And this is as close to freedom as she has any chance to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, one of the reason this was delayed was that I took some time to gather up all the songs I used for chapter titles/inspiration while writing this fic and made a mix. [You can download it here.](http://www.mediafire.com/download/vi7m8z0k9pvngv0/IDMtDaD.zip)


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